Sunday, August 1, 2010

Perhaps the greatest tragedy of this weekend...

Coffee aficionados (addicts) know how important it is to squeeze all the air out of the bag (using the convenient one way valve vacuum valve built into all coffee bags worth your time)... and environmentalists know how important it is to buy Fair Trade Organic coffee in biodegradable bags.

This particular coffee bag happened to be of the biodegradable plastic variety and ostensibly environmentally sound. However, it turned out not to quite as structurally sound, as the seam failed catastrophically as I was attempting to evacuate the air inside.

Upon forensic investigation, it appears that the one-way pressure relief valve (aka blowout preventer) failed to perform its eponymous task. Consequently, as the external pressure increased rapidly, the internal pressure increased proportionally, exceeding the maximum pressure rating of the adhesive used to seal the seam of the bag.

This internal pressure built up so rapidly that the seam ruptured, and the particulate contents of the bag were forcefully ejected in projectile motion.

I intend to take full responsibility for this accident and will be setting aside an escrow account to compensate all legitimate claims of damage from this unfortunate event, including iced-coffee shortages and related caffeine headaches. But I must stress that local tourism and beaches will not be affected by the spill and I encourage anyone who has booked vacations in the area to continue with their plans and come support this great kitchen.

The only saving grace of this unfortunate accident is a potentially new breakfast condiment:

That is not black pepper. That, my friends, is an omelette impregnated with high-velocity aerosolized coffee grounds. And it was wonderful.

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